When I turned 30 years last September, I decided I wanted a fresh take on life. I spent all of my 20's desperately trying to be in control of my own destiny. I would create goal lists, check lists, to-do lists. I studied and worked and kept to myself for the most part. I was going to become a respectable, degree holding, dignified and well established woman who would be eligible for serious and responsible courtship. I would get a high paying, service oriented job, and I would marry a man with the same. We would produce 2 children, buy a home, go on vacations, and die happily after many years of that life together. The end.
I thought if I could just get through college, if I could just get that job... then everything else would fall into place. I would be happy. So all of my goal lists, and check marks, and organizing were all geared towards attaining that vision I had of a perfect life. I toiled away many hours and had tunnel vision and rarely looked around to enjoy life. In fact, I was frightened to look around because I may become distracted from my terribly important task at hand whose completion would satisfy my need for safety, security, and belonging.
So... here I sit. Blogging at 12:02 AM, alone in a very small room that I rent out of a house. Here I sit, a 30 year old, college degree holding unmarried female with 3 part time jobs waitressing- wondering what happened. I thought I had it all figured out. My plans, my well organized, tightly regimented, fully focussed plans- didn't work as I had so desperately hoped. I have spent time going over my goal lists in my old diaries trying to figure out what I had done wrong. The only thing I really noticed was that each year, I strayed further and further from my outlined pathway to happiness; my road to the perfect life.
It may be the case that I should not plan so much. That I should just be open to life. That I should look around and engage people around me more, go more places, dance more, cook more, stay up later. And yet to even think of what I should be doing differently is me planning! Oh the irony! Is there any way out?!
My mother gave me a tiny dragonfly pendant for my 30th birthday. She said it symbolized new beginnings and that she hoped the next 10 were new and exciting. I wear that pendant every day with the hopes that that little dragonfly will carry me away with it when it zipps off. Or that maybe, just maybe, it will attract some stroke of luck that will change my outlook forever* It was only weeks later that I pulled up the Yog Peeth Ashram in Rishikesh, India online and very quickly made the deposit for my stay. I was going to try something new. Me and my dragonfly were going to India~
I was watching a movie tonight called Outsourced about a man who goes to India to train his replacement on how to market to Americans. There was a scene where Holi, an Indian holiday of color to celebrate the changing of the seasons, was being celebrated. People throw brightly colored powder and liquid at each other all day long in the streets! Everyone gets covered in rainbows! They really do this over there! I was overjoyed at the thought of getting to be there for that holiday because I love love love color so so so much* I decided to look online to see when it was in 2011 and it turns out that I will miss it by 2 weeks. boo.
THE GOOD NEWS on the other hand~ is that my training actually begins on April 4th which is Bikrami Samvat (the Hindu New Year)! Tell me that is not a beautiful and undeniable coincidence ehe? And guess what? Only several days later on the 12th of April there is the celebration of Ram Navami. I don't fully understand this holiday just yet but I can say that in my first search for more information on this holiday I read the following:
"It is believed that listening to the story of Rama cleanses the soul. Meditating on the noble Rama and chanting his name is believed to ease the pains of life and lead one to moksha, or liberation."
Yes, this sounds very coincidental to me as well because this is exactly what I think needs to happen in my life. I seek liberation from the ideas I have about what will ease my pain and bring me joy. I long for my life to unfold without expectation or attachment. I think the stars are aligning and shining on my hearts wishes. I think the Universe is letting me know that it has been listening and that everything will be ok*
My 30th year will be spent in in India, learning a new way of life beginning on their New Years Day, during the month of liberation*
"Oh, brave new world!" says Bernard in the Huxley classic. It is a book about a man breaking free from a society shackled to productivity, and demanding mind-numbing obedience. In the same way that you seek release and relief in India, Bernard escapes from this ultra-modern world and lives with a group of natives, finally finding a real humanity which he long desired.
ReplyDeleteThis is a noble pursuit, Casie. I admire whatever has driven you out of the comfort of home to brave a new world, to seek your Mecca, to find yourself. Seek you well, Pilgrim of the new sun*